I Stumbled

I stumbled this weekend through a path of insecurity and agitation.

Throughout time many strong kingdoms, castles, and fortresses have been attacked and some have been seized. The majority have tumbled and crumbled to dust as a result of the enemies within their very walls. In my life I have found Satan destroys individuals, marriages, and families the same way.

This week I allowed my primary focus to slip off of God and onto myself. My focus on self brought self doubt, criticism, insecurity, and an earthquake to the peace in my spirit. You would think by now I would not go down into this slippery cesspool; instead, I stumbled in.  This stumble reminds me I am human and I can do nothing good without God as my Lord. I can’t serve two masters. Matthew 6:24

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

It’s either God or me and my sinful nature. I quit taking every thought captive and let my humanness take control which equaled no peace and self destruction.

I am grateful and humbled to serve a God who loves me, forgives me, and redeems me in the midst of my humanness. I will strive to stay the course of God by seeking him first (Matthew 6:33) and I will submit my will to him first and he will direct my path (Proverbs 3:6).  Only then I will keep my peace.

Have you stumbled lately?

The High Road

My heart grows heavy when I see people deceive, cheat, and manipulate others to move themselves farther ahead in life or in a game.

The goodness of God radiated from two individuals who played the game of survivor, Matt and Mike. They helped others, loved, and competed with the utmost integrity and pure heart. Their words matched their actions and many counted them weak and ambushed them. They chose the high road and wrestled with fatigue, doubt, disappointment, hurt, and exile from their tribes. When they were down, they looked to God for strength and answers and left the end result up to Him.

Meanwhile, the rest of the players put their trust in Rob or each other only to be hurt, deceived, and cut away. Their focus was on imperfect humans. Their words were snide and cutting, arrogant, and venomous on occasion. The consistent theme was I, me, and my.

Rob won the money and title of survivor in the end. The title and money can never buy back the integrity, goodness, love, and friendships he lost. These can’t be won or purchased. They are earned from a pure heart.

I believe how we do the little things in our lives is how we do everything. Our actions reveal and reflect what’s in our heart. In my opinion there is never a reason to be mean, ever. The true test of a good person is to have the power to do bad and refuse.

 To anyone who doesn’t know a different life than one of self focus, I encourage you to examine where you are. If the imperfect you is all you have, can you ever be enough? What price have you paid, are currently paying, and will pay in the future? What good is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul for eternity?

Mysterious Pain

Mothers Day ended with intense pain in my stomach and kidneys that lasted through the night. I asked my husband to take me to the Emergency Room for the pain at 6:00 a.m. I underwent blood and urine tests and a CT scan. During my seven hour stay, the doctors gave me two doses of morphine for my pain. In the end they found no reason for the pain or problems and sent me home. I began to wonder if this was all in my head or if I had made a big thing out of a small thing. I know the pain was real and from the looks of my pasty green reflection I was ill, but there was no answer. I went home and went to bed.

This morning I reflected on the times in my life when I’ve had pain inside without being able to give it a name or to cure it. Like yesterday, the unexplained pain affected the trust I had in myself and set me on a path of doubt. I believe Satan did his best to get me to doubt myself and tried and affect my belief in God. When I look to others for answers and there are none I start asking why and I have doubts about myself or what’s going on.

Jesus said it best.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding;   in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5, 6 NIV

I have come to the conclusion I was not meant to understand my painful experience. God knows and sees everything and sometimes He tells us or lets others tell us.  Sometimes it remains a mystery. I will praise Him and thank Him in all situations and circumstances, and I will continue to inspire and encourage others. I will do my best to take care of myself and others and let God do the rest. 

What do you do with your unexplainable experiences?

I’m Not the Potter

 ⁸ Yet you, LORD, are our Father.
   We are the clay, you are the potter;
   we are all the work of your hand.   Isaiah 64:8 NIV

When my kids got a scraped knee my Mom heart wanted to patch up the outside of their pot and make it all better. As they grew up and faced the hurt and pain of abuse, rejection and anger from their father, I wanted to fix their inside pot, their heart.

Over the years I’ve realized even though I wanted to fix them I have no power to do it. I am not the potter or creator; God is. He molds each one of us into a unique individual with a free will. We can add designs, paint, and sparkles to adorn our outside, even while circumstances and situations in life adds scrapes, dents, and cracks.

We also choose with what we fill our pot, our heart, and what will be our focus. When I saw my children make bad choices and fill their pot with negative thoughts and actions, or place themselves in a bad situation, I would share the lessons of my life or give them advice to spare them pain. My motive and heart were to protect, but they saw it as me trying to be a know it all or to manipulate them. They wanted to make their own decisions and exercise their own free will. One of the hardest realities of being a parent is to realize and accept that it’s not my job to fix them.

Jesus is the best model for us. He was responsible to share and reveal truth and light to his family and home town to spare them more pain or hurt. They didn’t listen or embrace his wisdom; instead, they tried to kill him. If Jesus couldn’t share with his own family without rejection, what makes me think I can?  In spite of this, I have spent years believing I could. I now realize it is my job first and foremost to love them and encourage them. When they get too close to danger, it is still my responsibility as Mom to warn them, but the rest is up to them and God.

My need to fix is natural for a mom, but my drive to convince them is not how Jesus loved. He was the example of light and spoke the truth.  He then let people make their own decisions and face their own consequences. He never condemned them or shut the door on his love or forgiveness. My goal is to strive to follow Jesus’ model for the next half of my life. To share my heart in love with healthy boundaries and let God do the rest.

Have you ever tried to mold someone?