Mysterious Pain

Mothers Day ended with intense pain in my stomach and kidneys that lasted through the night. I asked my husband to take me to the Emergency Room for the pain at 6:00 a.m. I underwent blood and urine tests and a CT scan. During my seven hour stay, the doctors gave me two doses of morphine for my pain. In the end they found no reason for the pain or problems and sent me home. I began to wonder if this was all in my head or if I had made a big thing out of a small thing. I know the pain was real and from the looks of my pasty green reflection I was ill, but there was no answer. I went home and went to bed.

This morning I reflected on the times in my life when I’ve had pain inside without being able to give it a name or to cure it. Like yesterday, the unexplained pain affected the trust I had in myself and set me on a path of doubt. I believe Satan did his best to get me to doubt myself and tried and affect my belief in God. When I look to others for answers and there are none I start asking why and I have doubts about myself or what’s going on.

Jesus said it best.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding;   in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5, 6 NIV

I have come to the conclusion I was not meant to understand my painful experience. God knows and sees everything and sometimes He tells us or lets others tell us.  Sometimes it remains a mystery. I will praise Him and thank Him in all situations and circumstances, and I will continue to inspire and encourage others. I will do my best to take care of myself and others and let God do the rest. 

What do you do with your unexplainable experiences?

I’m Not the Potter

 ⁸ Yet you, LORD, are our Father.
   We are the clay, you are the potter;
   we are all the work of your hand.   Isaiah 64:8 NIV

When my kids got a scraped knee my Mom heart wanted to patch up the outside of their pot and make it all better. As they grew up and faced the hurt and pain of abuse, rejection and anger from their father, I wanted to fix their inside pot, their heart.

Over the years I’ve realized even though I wanted to fix them I have no power to do it. I am not the potter or creator; God is. He molds each one of us into a unique individual with a free will. We can add designs, paint, and sparkles to adorn our outside, even while circumstances and situations in life adds scrapes, dents, and cracks.

We also choose with what we fill our pot, our heart, and what will be our focus. When I saw my children make bad choices and fill their pot with negative thoughts and actions, or place themselves in a bad situation, I would share the lessons of my life or give them advice to spare them pain. My motive and heart were to protect, but they saw it as me trying to be a know it all or to manipulate them. They wanted to make their own decisions and exercise their own free will. One of the hardest realities of being a parent is to realize and accept that it’s not my job to fix them.

Jesus is the best model for us. He was responsible to share and reveal truth and light to his family and home town to spare them more pain or hurt. They didn’t listen or embrace his wisdom; instead, they tried to kill him. If Jesus couldn’t share with his own family without rejection, what makes me think I can?  In spite of this, I have spent years believing I could. I now realize it is my job first and foremost to love them and encourage them. When they get too close to danger, it is still my responsibility as Mom to warn them, but the rest is up to them and God.

My need to fix is natural for a mom, but my drive to convince them is not how Jesus loved. He was the example of light and spoke the truth.  He then let people make their own decisions and face their own consequences. He never condemned them or shut the door on his love or forgiveness. My goal is to strive to follow Jesus’ model for the next half of my life. To share my heart in love with healthy boundaries and let God do the rest.

Have you ever tried to mold someone?